Tobi Tales
by FrescaPower
Summary: A series of completely nonsensical stories starring everyone's favorite masked Akatsuki member. Chapter 12 is up! Yes, I FINALLY updated.
1. Dinner with Tobi

Tobi Tales, _A series of nonsensical stories (crackfics, I suppose?) starring Tobi, the Akatsuki, and other_ Naruto _cast members. Probably 15-20 Chapters. Rated T for Deidara going insane and exploding things in nearly every chapter._

* * *

**Chapter 1: Dinner with Tobi**

* * *

_After Sasori died and Tobi joined the Akatsuki, Tobi and Deidara went to eat at a restaurant._

"Tobi doesn't know what to get."

"Just pick something!" said Deidara angrily.

"Might I recommend today's special, sir?" said the waiter.

"Ooo! Yes! Tobi will get the special! Tobi loves surprises!"

_Sometime later…_

"Today's special is steak. Enjoy your meal." The waiter left.

"Ooo. Tobi wonders what the special is!"

"It's steak, Tobi," said Deidara.

Tobi tilted his head, looking at the steak in a curious way.

"Tobi thinks the special looks like steak."

"That's because it is, Tobi."

Tobi brought his face closer to the steak, wafting in the delicious smell.

"Tobi thinks the special smells like steak."

"That's because it is, Tobi."

Tobi put a hand up to his ear.

"Tobi thinks the special sounds like steak!"

An anger mark appeared on Deidara's head. "That's because it is, Tobi!"

Tobi picked up the steak and rubbed it against his mask.

"Tobi thinks the special feels like steak!"

Two more anger marks appeared on Deidara's head. "That's because it is, Tobi!!"

Tobi cut off a piece and jabbed it in the mask's eyehole.

"Tobi thinks the special tastes like steak!"

"Tobi, if it looks like, smells like, sounds like - though I don't know how the hell it can - feels like, and tastes like steak, THEN IT'S STEAK!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Tobi thinks the special is lamb."

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Deidara went crazy, using his clay bombs to blow up the restaurant.

Much to his dismay, Tobi survived.

Deidara - and the rest of the _Naruto_ cast for that matter - had no idea what they were in for.

This was only the beginning.

* * *

_Next Chapter: Annoying Deidara_


	2. Annoying Deidara

_Tobi Tales_

**Tobi**_**:**_ FrescaPower does not own Naruto or any references made! And neither does Tobi! No anime characters were harmed in the making of this chapter…except possibly Deidara-senpai's sanity. Sorry Deidara-senpai! Tobi is a good boy!

* * *

**Chapter 2: Annoying Deidara**

Tobi had been sitting high up in a tree for a long time. Deidara walked up and called to Tobi.

"Tobi, we have to go on a mission."

No response.

"Tobi, get down from there!" said Deidara angrily.

Tobi clutched the tree trunk. "No."

"Tobi -"

"Noooooooo…."

"Get-"

"Noooooo…"

"Down-"

"Noooooo…."

"From there-"

"Noooooo…"

"_**NOW**_!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Tobi, if you don't get down from there, I'm going to-"

Deidara's mouth moved, but what he was saying could not be heard over Tobi's long and loud No's. It went something like this:

"-Your-"

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

"-With a-"

"Nooooooooo!"

"-Potato salad-"

"Noooooooooooo!"

"-in a box-"

"Nooooooooooo!"

"- ramen fishcake-"

"Nooooooo!"

" – so then you'll-"

"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"

"- and no one will hear you scream!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Deidara was extremely annoyed. He planted some clay bombs (several more than necessary) at the base of the tree.

KA-BOOM!

Tobi went flying in the air, still clutching the tree trunk, and yelling "Nooooooooooo…!"

Tobi landed, somehow unscathed, on the ground. He got up, dusted himself off, and walked over to Deidara.

"OH! Hi there Deidara-senpai!"

A vein popped on Deidara's head.

"Alright then, Tobi," he said, suppressing his annoyance, "Now, let's go on that mission."

"Noooooooooo!" cried Tobi, and began to flail his arms at Deidara. "Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie Meanie!"

"Tobi…"

"Yes Deidara-senpai?" said Tobi happily and immediately stopped flailing his arms.

"How would you like to go on a trip?"

"Ooo! Yes! Tobi loves to go on trips!"

"Then wait right here."

Deidara walked away and out of sight.

"Deidara-senpai?"

No answer.

"Ummm…Deidara-senpai? Isn't Tobi going on a trip?"

No answer. And then...

SUPER KA-BOOM!

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he cheered.

Tobi was blasted off into the air for a second time, Team-Rocket Style, crying "Tobi is a good boy!" before he became a sparkle in the sky (Sparkle!).

* * *

Next is Chapter 3: Tobi and the IRS


	3. Tobi and the IRS

_Tobi Tales_

**Deidara:** FrescaPower does not own _Naruto_, yeah. Art is a bang!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Tobi and the IRS**

"Tobi has been a bad boy."

"Whaddaya mean?" said Deidara.

"Tobi has been evading his taxes."

"Well, duh! So has everyone else in the Akatsuki. Why else do you think we're wanted S-class criminals?"

"But Tobi want to be a good boy! So Tobi reported all the Akatsuki to the IRS!"

"_WHAT?!"_

Two generic government agents walked up to Deidara. "Ma'am, are you Deidara?" said the first.

"_MA'AM_?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You're coming with us," said the second, putting a pair of handcuffs on Deidara. The two agents began to drag a protesting Deidara away.

"Hey! Why aren't you arresting him?" shouted Deidara, pointing to Tobi.

"Oh! Tobi paid all his taxes...with a little help from Deidara-senpai's wallet!"

* * *

Next Up, Chapter 4: Tobi and the Infinite Cosplayers (Title and actual chapter subject may change.)


	4. Tobi the Leprechaun

_Tobi Tales_

**Kisame:**FrescaPower doesn't own _Naruto,_ but she is responsible for the strange events in this short chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Tobi the Leprechaun**

_Somewhere in the Akatsuki Lair..._

"So Tobi, what are you?" asked Kisame.

"Tobi doesn't understand what Kisame-san is talking about."

"You know, Sasori was half-man, half-puppet; I'm half-man, half- fish; Deidara is half-man, half woman-"

"I AM NOT!"

"-Zetsu is half-man, half plant; Kakuzu is half-man half-thread; and Itachi is half-man, half weasel-"

"I AM NOT!"

"-So what are you?"

"Tobi is a leprechaun!"

The Akatsuki members exchanged looks of doubt and amusement.

"Uh-huh. Right."

"What...doesn't Kisame-san believe Tobi?"

"No, I do -"

Tobi burst into a gush of anime tears. "Kisame-san doesn't believe Tobi!"

"Fine, Tobi I believe you're a leprechaun! Just stop crying already!"

Tobi stopped crying. "Yay! Kisame-san believes Tobi!"

Immediately, a pot of gold appeared next to Tobi. He dived into the pot head first. A rainbow came out of it.

Kakuzu's eyes went 'CHA-CHING!'

"GOLD!"

He ran towards the pot, but the rainbows (which were really security laser beams) shot him and sent him flying into a wall.

Tobi popped up out of the pot of gold, as if he had been swimming in it.

"Tobi away!"

The pot lifted into the air, following the rainbow, going higher and higher until it was out of the Akatsuki Lair.

"Well...that was weird," said Deidara.

"You're telling me," said Kakuzu, who had a gaping hole in his chest from the rainbow laser beams.

* * *

Chapter 5 will most definitely be **Tobi and the Infinite Cosplayers, **and it will most likely be longer than this one!

Until then, _Tobi Tales_ readers.

Tobi away!


	5. Tobi and the Infinite Cosplayers

A/n: Yes, i know i haven't updated this in awhile (_Gomen nasai, Salia-hime nee-chan!)._ the ending was hard to come up with, but i finally figured it out!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Tobi and the Infinite Cosplayers**

"Deidara-senpai there is a weird swirly thing. And the nine-tailed Jinchuriki and the Copy Ninja just got swallowed into it."

"Then they're probably dead," said Itachi bluntly.

"It looks like a portal to another dimension," said Kisame.

"This is just to weird. It's like something out of a lame fanfiction." Diedara turned to walk away, but Tobi grabbed on to the back of his cloak. "Tobi, let go of me!"

"Help, Deidara-senpai!" cried Tobi; he was being pulled into the swirly-vortex. Diedara grabbed onto Kisame, and Kisame grabbed onto Itachi. The vortex swallowed the four Akatsuki members, sending them traveling through space and time. Eventually they came to land in the middle of a nerd - er, anime convention.

"Itachi, look!" Kisame pointed to a large group of Naruto cosplayers.

"Which one is the real jinchuriki?" said Deidara.

"They must be doppelgangers. My Sharingan will reveal the real one." The Uchiha tried to use his Sharingan. "Why won't it work? Well, time for Plan B." Itachi ran into the crown, punching cosplayers left and right. Two security men dragged him away.

The three remaining ninja tried to use jutsu, but it was no use. "The portal seems to have zapped our chakra. But it's probably only temporary," said Kisame.

The S-class ninja could not only use jutsu, but they were attracting attention...

"Awesome costumes!" said a woman dressed as Sakura

"How long did it take for you to apply that face paint?" a man asked Kisame.

"Where'd you get those contacts?"

"Are you a guy or a girl?" inquired a Diedara cosplayer. "You must be a girl; all the Deidara cosplayers are women."

_"Excuse_ me?" Deidara put one of his mouth-hands in the cosplayer's face, in hopes it would freak her out.

However, the cosplayer was anything but freaked out. "TOTALLY AWESOME! How'd you do that? Molding clay? Plastic?"

Meanwhile, Tobi was facing fangirl problems...

"Tobi you're so kawaii!" cried a Tobi fangirl, latching onto his arm.

"Tobi thanks you."

"And you even speak like him! KAWAIII!" she dragged him off somewhere, presumably to a group of other Tobi fangirls.

Kisame had wandered off to look for Itachi...

"Itachi where are you? Ooo sushi!" He looked over to see what kind of sushi there was and saw - shark sushi. His eyes narrowed.

Diedara was being followed by a group of men who believed he was a woman, cosplaying as Deidara.

Itachi was struggling to get away from security. However, he was immediately tasered.

Naruto was safely hiding in a large crowd of Naruto cosplayers.

Kakashi, like Tobi, was dragged away by extremely rabid fangirls

* * *

Deidara, in an attempt to run away from the crowd of men, ran into Kakashi. This set off a chain reaction. Deidara ran after Kakashi, the men believing Deidara was a woman ran after him, and the Kakashi fangirls ran after Kakashi. While running after Kakashi, Deidara grabbed Tobi out of the crowd of fangirls, who ran after Diedara, angry that he had stolen Tobi.

Kisame joined up with the two other Akatsuki once he was done destroying the sushi booth. Itachi caught up with them after escaping from security, who were chasing after Itachi. Kakashi managed to find Naruto, who was eating Ramen. In addition, at the sight of Itachi, a munber of his fangirls ran after him, too.

So we have Deidara, Tobi, Kisame, and Itachi chasing after Kakashi and Naruto; men chasing Deidara, believing that he's a woman cosplaying as Deidara; fangirls chasing Kakashi, Itachi, and Tobi; security chasing after Itachi. In addition, the owners of the sushi stand and its customers were chasing Kisame.

The six ninja rounded a corner and headed straight into a large group of cosplayers from Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, DragonBall, and a number of other anime. In doing so they were able to lose the fan girls, sushi owners, sushi customers and security guards. However, the chase wasn't over yet. Kakashi and Naruto went through a door, and the Akatsuki followed.

The six found themselves on a stage and faced by a cheering audience.

"And now a skit from the – what's your group's name again?" asked a nameless announcer.

The ninja did not hear him, for they realized they had gotten their chakra back.

Deidara immediately began throwing bombs, many of which missed the Copy-nin and Jinchuriki and instead damaged half the stage.

"Kanton! Fire Style! Art of the Phoenix Flower!" WHOOSH! Itachi sent multiple mini fireballs flying across the stage towards the Leaf Ninja.

"These special effects suck," said a nerdy-looking kid in the audience.

"Dude, your hair's on fire," said another, pointing at the nerd's hair that caught fire due to a stray fireball.

"Kagebunshin no jutsu!" 10 doppelgangers appeared.

"_Raikiri!"_ shouted Kakashi.

Tobi sat around doing nothing.

Kisame used a water-style jutsu that flooded the stage and drenched the first three rows in the audience.

"No!" cried a drenched Kisame cosplayer, "It took me so long to apply the face paint!"

The water also hit an Orochimaru cosplayer. However, it appeared that he had not been wearing face paint.

"Um, I can explain…" said the Orochimaru look-a-like, "…Well, not really," and he moonwalked out of the convention.

* * *

The battle raged on. Naruto and Kakashi knew they were hopelessly outnumbered, and just when it seemed they would loose...the portal appeared again. The Konoha ninja ran through it.

"After them!" cried Deidara.

"Congratulations!" said the nameless announcer, coming between the Akatsuki and the portal. "You win first place! Your skit was so awesome there's no point in seeing the other skits."

The Akatsuki, frustrated that they had missed the portal, sent the announcer flying.

_Sometime later..._

"How are we going to get back?"

"I dunno. And I've run out of chakra."

"Hey, where's Tobi? _Hmmm?" _said Deidara, looking around.

"Deidara-senpai!" said Tobi, running up to him," There are some people looking for you, Kisame-san and Itachi-san!"

"Huh?"

A large group of cosplayers appeared behind Tobi, from DragonBallZ, One Piece, Death Note, Fruits Basket, and a number of others, and they did not look too happy.

_Insert several goofy-sounding fighting sound effects here._

They were tied up and stuffed in a small closet.

"Sushi, anyone?" asked Kisame, managing to pull out a box.

"Shut up, Kisame."


	6. Tobi and the Hotel

_A/N: This chapter is much shorter than the rest, but it's quite funny. The idea/plot comes from a friend, **mercyfyre**, and her little brother, **PandaBear**. Thank you **mercyfyre**!!_

_**Tobi Tales**_

**Chapter 6: Tobi and the Hotel**

Tobi and Deidara were on a mission and checked into a hotel for the night.

"So you'll be checking in together?" asked the attendant at the front desk, thinking Deidara was a woman.

"No. Could we have separate rooms?" asked Deidara.

The attendant, however, did not hear him.

Deidara's eye twitched, but decided to let it go. The two Akatsuki members entered the hotel room.

"Tobi you get the couch."

However, the masked ninja had already fallen asleep on the bed.

The artist's eye twitched again. He went over to Tobi, and shouted in his ear. "WAKE UP!"

Tobi did not wake up; Deidara's shouting appeared to have no affect on him at all. Instead, in his sleep, Tobi latched on to Deidara's arm. Deidara shook his arm very, very fast so that Tobi was just a blur, but he still would not let go. Deidara tried to pry Tobi's fingers off his arm, but that didn't work either.

* * *

Finally managing to get the swirly-masked ninja off his arm by using duct tape, clay, and a wig, Deidara stormed out of the room and to the front desk. He put his hand in his bag of clay, just in case the attendent refused his request.

"I demand a separate room!"

The poor attendant, unaware of Deidara's rage, replied, "Sorry, but there are no rooms left."

Deidara's eye twitched uncontrollably. He pulled his hand out of the bag of clay.

"_Ohako!"_

KA-BOOM!

The only thing left standing was the bed Tobi was sleeping on and Tobi.

Tobi woke up, stretched, yawned, and looked around.

"Good morning, Deidara-senpai!"


	7. Law and Tobi: Special Ninja Unit

_A/N: I don't know if I used all the right court terms in this chapter, correct me if I'm mistaken. I don't watch Law and Order much._ _Enjoy the chapter! :)_

**Chapter 7: Law and Tobi: Special Ninja Unit **

**(a.k.a "TOBI OBJECTS!")**

Deidara had been accused of robbing a jewlery store.

"Um, Leader-sama, I have to go on trial and I was wondering if I could borrow some money to afford a lawyer."

Leader burst out laughing. Deidara's facial expression did not change. He gradually stopped laughing.

"Y-you're serious?This organization is completely broke. Why do you think the most evil organization in the history of manga has its headquarters in a rock? A rock!"

Deidara sighed and walked off to find Kakuzu, in hopes he'd be able to borrow some money.

"Kakuzu, could I borrow some cash? I know you're rolling in it."

Kakuzu was, literally, rolling in cash.

"Sure...just sign this contract."

Deidara looked over the contract, muttering words from it to himself. "Legally binding...ownership of my soul...no cash obligation...OK." He signed and handed it back to Kakuzu, who started laughing.

"Didn't you even read it?"

"Yeah...well...sorta. There was something about my soul and cash..."

Kakuzu continued laughing. Deidara walked away.

"Deidara, I've found a lawyer for you," said Leader, who had been looking for Deidara.

"You got enough money to hire one?"

"Not exactly...but I believe he will be suitable...enough." Leader snapped his fingers.

A orange and black blur streaked past Leader and latched onto Deidara's arm.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI! TOBI IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAWYER! Tobi doesn't know what a lawyer is but Tobi will do his best!"

* * *

"This court will now commence," said the judge, Tsunade, banging a gavel.

The prosecutor's lawyer, Morino Ibiki, was up.

"So, Nameless Extra," said the ninja/lawyer, talking to the jewlery store owner who was in a wheelchair, badanged from head to toe. "You say that this woman attacked you then robbed your jewelery store?"

"OBJECTION!" shouted Diedara.

Tsunade banged the gavel. "Overruled. The defense is reminded that this is not _Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney."_

Sometime later, Diedara was put on the stand.

"Did you not not not not not not rob the jewlery store?" asked Ibiki.

Deidara was utterly comfused"Um...y...n...no...yes...um...no...yes...?"

Tsunade banged the gavel again. "The prosecution is reminded that they are not allowed to psychlogially torment the defense."

"Sorry," apologized Ibiki, "Old habits die hard."

* * *

"Tobi, I hope you have a plan." The case wasn't going too well.

"Don't worry Deidara-senpai, Tobi has the race car!"

"Don't you mean the 'race card?' "

"No, Tobi means the race car! The one that goes vroom, vroom!" Tobi mimed driving a car.

Deidara did an anime face fault.

It was the defense's turn. Tobi walked up to the front.

"Tobi points to exhibit A!"

The jury looked where Tobi was pointing. A card on a table read 'A' but there was nothing there. The jury turned back to see Tobi eating a sandwich.

"A sandwich?"

"Not an ordinary sandwich! A tuna sandwich!"

"Objection!" shouted Ibiki. "This has nothing to do with the case."

"TOBI OBJECTS!"

"Will the defense be reminded that it cannot object to an objection," said Tsunade.

"TOBI OBJECTS!"

"Overruled."

"TOBI OBJECTS!"

"What does the defense want?" asked Tusnade, loosing her patience.

"Tobi wants some ice cream!"

"_Overruled_!"

"TOBI OBJECTS! **Tobi wants ice cream**!"

The judge sighed. "If the defense gets ice cream will it stop objecting so much?"

Tobi thought for a moment. "Yes!"

"Get him some ice cream," ordered Tsunade, pointing to another nameless extra.

"TOBI OBJECTS!"

"What _now_?"

"Chocolate!"

"Sigh...get him some chocolate ice cream."

"**_TOBI OBJECTS_**!!"

An anger mark appeared on Tsunade's head. "Yes?"

"With sprinkles?" the ninja asked innocently.

Tobi was brought a bowl of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. He sat down, somehow eating it without taking his mask off.

"Tobi, what the hell are you doing?!" cried Deidara.

"Don't worry, Deidara-senpai," whispered Tobi," Tobi is diverting attention away from the fact that Tobi has no idea what he's doing. Wink, wink."

"Tobi, are you trying to wink?"

"Yes. Wink, wink!"

"Stop that!"

"Wink, wink!"

Deidara went crazy.

Tsunade banged the gavel. "There will be a ten-minute recess."

* * *

Everyone filed back into the courtroom. Deidara was now in a straightjacket.

The jury would soon retire. Things weren't going well for Deidara. It seemed as though he would be convicted.

Suddenly, Tobi stood up.

"Tobi has proof that there was no possible way that Deidara-senpai could have robbed the jewlery store!" Tobi looked over at a man standing by the doors. "Bring it in!"

The man opened the doors, and a dozen men came in holding mail bags. The bags were piled on top of the judge's desk.

"Here it is, all the letters to Santa Claus!" said one of the men.

"You want the courtroom across the street."

"Oh...sorry about that." They left. Another group came in.

"Here, all the undelivered mail in the world!"

"You want the post office next door."

"Right...sorry..." they left and a third group came in.

"Tobi has the proof!" the masked lawyer contiuned. "The day of the robbery, Diedara-senpai was nowhere near the store. He was in Sunagakure, kidnapping the Kazekage! Tobi has eyewitness accounts, photographs, audio, pollen spores, DNA samples, and...and hydroplatoonicateide specimens!"

"Did you just make that last part up?"

"Yes," Tobi admitted sadly.

Tsunade looked over the evidence piled on her desk. "I hereby dismiss this case. Deidara did not rob the jewelery store." Tsunade picked up some papers.

"And now for the next case, _Deidara v. Sunagakure_."


	8. A Lesson in Evil

_**DISCLAIMER**: FrescaPower does not own _Naruto. _Also, cracking your knuckles does _not_ give you arthritis._

* * *

**Chapter 8: A Lesson in Evil**

Deidara decided to go on vacation. He really needed one, what with being annoyed by Tobi, having his life savings being spent by Tobi, being dragged into a vortex and stuck in another dimension because of Tobi, and having Tobi as a lawyer. Yeah. He really needed that vacation.

"I'm leaving now. Look after Tobi."

"Don't worry," said Itachi. "Kisame and have something..._special_ planned."

Deidara ran away as quickly as possible, leaving a dust cloud in his wake.

"Where is Deidara-senpai going?"

Deidara was almost out of sight.

"Isn't Tobi coming with Deidara-senpai?"

There was no answer.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!" shouted Tobi, crying a waterfall of tears as he tried to run after him. Kisame grabbed him by the back of his cloak and Tobi fell flat on his face. Kisame picked him back up.

"Tobi, we're going to make you evil," said Kisame.

"Huh?"

"You're clearly not evil enough," explained the mist ninja, "So we're going to help you."

"You're coming with us," said Itachi, a malicious glare in his eyes. He cracked his knuckles threateningly, then clutched his hand in pain. "OW! My hand!"

"Itachi, what have I told you about cracking your knuckles?"

"It'll give me arthritis..." mumbled Itachi.

* * *

Tobi was blindfolded (sa if he can see anything anyway through that mask...) and taken to an interrogation room.

It was completely dark. Itachi fumbled with the lamp above the table, trying to find the switch. Itachi tripped over Tobi, the table, and Kisame, then finally found the light switch.

Itachi walked back to the table looking slightly disheveled. He glared at Tobi. "Tobi, what do you hate?"

"Tobi loves everything!"

"There has to be something."

Tobi shook his head.

"Okay...let's start out small. What about bugs? Spiders creep people out. Or mosquitoes - they give you those annoying bites."

"Nope. Tobi loves to scratch 'em!"

_Sigh..."_What about food?"

Tobi thought for a moment, striking a thinking pose. "Hmmm...Tobi doesn't really like Lima beans."

_Ah-ha! Now we're getting somewhere._"So how would you feel if i made you eat a _big_ bowl of Lima beans?"

"Tobi would be happy!"

_"What_? WHY?"

"Because Lima beans are GOOD for you!"

A vein throbbed on Itachi's forehead. "What about a person? Is there some you just can't stand?"

Tobi pondered this question, then responded, "Tobi doesn't really like Itachi-san."

The vein on Itachi's forhead popped. Behind him, Kisame was suppressing the urge to laugh.

Itachi took a deep breath and said coolly, "Oh, really?"

Tobi nodded "He thinks he's so cool with his stuck-up attitude and his mangekyo sharingan and his uber-hot good-looks and his endless legion of fan girls..."

Itachi's eyes narrowed.

* * *

_Sometime later..._

"Why is Itachi-san stuffing Tobi's pants with meat?"

"Oh you'll see, Tobi, you'll see. Mwaha. Mwahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Itachi opened a door to a dark room.

"Is Itachi-san coming with Tobi?"

"Sure. Follow me. You go first"

Itachi pushed Tobi into the room and abruptly locked the door. Tobi couldn't see anything, but he felt something furry - make that several furry somethings - below him. They were growling, not angrily but hungrily. Tobi lowered a hand to pet one. it barked at him.

"Nice kitty!"

* * *

"What exactly does this have to do with making Tobi more evil?" asked Kisame, several minutes after Tobi went into the room.

Itachi shrugged.

* * *

_Sometime later..._

_"_Time to check on him," said Itachi. He opened the door and turned on the lights. Tobi was surrounded by dogs, but they were wagging their tails happily.

Kisame walked up to Itachi and looked in the door. "It looks like Tobi's a dog whisperer!" he said, grinning.

* * *

Deidara returned soon afterward, looking grumpy. "My flight was canceled..."

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!" cried Tobi, running towards Deidara. At the last second, before Tobi glomped him, Deidara moved one step to the right. Tobi went flying several yards, skidded several more feet, and landed in a crumpled heap.

"So, how was he?" Deidara looked from Kisame, who was laughing his head off, to Itachi, who was curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth.

"Please- take... him... AWAY!" pleaded Itachi.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Honestly. I have to deal with him 24/7. You guys had him for three hours."

Tobi had recovered from his fall and ran up behind Deidara. The same thing happened again. Deidara took a step away and Tobi went flying. This time he crashed into Itachi, who ran away.

"Oh! Itachi-san wants to play tag with Tobi! Tobi will catch Itachi-san!" and with that Tobi chased after Itachi.

Itachi was too scared/traumatized to fight, so he continued running.

"Wuss," muttered Deidara.

* * *

_Next Chapter: Tobi Discovers Coffee_


	9. Tobi Discovers Coffee

_Tobi Tales_

_A/N: ACK! I just realized Deidara hasn't been saying Un/Hn/Hmm/Yeah! Starting with this chapter he will be saying it. And I will revised the previous chapters...someday... so he says it. This is a long chapter._

_Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ or Starbucks or anything that may have been made reference to._

_Thank you all so much for the reviews_! :D

* * *

**Chapter 9: Tobi Discovers Coffee**

Tobi was strapped to a rocket/bomb constructed by Deidara.

"Where's Tobi going?"

"You're going to the Moon Tobi, un."

"Yay!"

Deidara blasted the rocket off. It became a speck and exploded.

Deidara rubbed his hands with glee. "And that's the end of that,un." He returned to the Akatsuki lair. "Guys, guess what? I've finally gotten rid of him, un!"

The seven members turned to the rouge-nin. To his horror, they all had Tobi's face (er, rather, mask).

"Deidara-senpai! Deidara-senpai!" chanted the Tobis, moving towards him."Deidara-senpai! Deidara-senpai!" He was cornered.

* * *

Deidara bolted up in bed and screamed bloody murder.

"Deidara-senpai! Deidara-senpai!" said Tobi, shaking Deidara.

Deidara looked around in alarm, spotted Tobi, and calmed down. "Oh...good...there's only one of you." The blond fell back down onto his pillow, then bolted up again. "Tobi, what the hell are you doing in my room, un?"

"Tobi can't sleep."

"If you had a bad dream you are not sleeping in here. Go back to bed, it's the middle of the night, un," Deidara slumped back onto his pillow, dead tired.

"Tobi can't sleep," repeated Tobi. "Tobi got up in the middle of the night to get a drink but Tobi didn't like the water so he put it through a water purifier-"

We don't have a water purifier... un, thought Deidara. (Yes, he even says 'un' when he's thinking.)

"-And the instructions on the purifier said to put some black peanuts in it so Tobi did and Tobi tried the peanut water and it tasted GOOD! But Tobi also added some sugar and it tasted even better! So Tobi drank some more and some more peanut water and Tobi drank the WHOLE pot. Then Tobi used the rest of the black peanuts and drank ALL the peanut water."

Deidara blinked. Because this was said very fast, and because he was half-asleep, he did not understand any of it. "Okay..." he glanced at a clock on his bedside table. "We have to leave for our mission in a few hours anyway. I'm going downstairs for some coffee, un."

Tobi followed Deidara downstairs. Deidara opened the pantry. It was bare.

"Jeez, I told Kakuzu to buy more coffee…maybe there's some in the storeroom."

He opened the doors to the coffee storeroom. It was completely empty save for a few cobwebs. The wind whistled and a tumbleweed rolled by. Deidara shut the doors slowly, rubbed his eyes, and opened the doors again. This time he was positive he wasn't hallucinating.

"Tobi, have you seen the coffee? There was about a thousand pounds in here but-" his eyes widened in horror. Tobi...you...didn't...happen... to have...any... coffee, un?"

"Tobi doesn't know what coffee is, but Tobi had a lot of peanut water! He put it through that water purifier!" Tobi pointed to a coffee machine.

"TOBI, YOU DRANK ALL THE COFFEE!"

Tobi did not hear Deidara, for he was too caffeinated and had began bouncing off the walls...

...literally.

Deidara stood there in a state of shock. Finally, he spoke.

"I am going back to bed and when I wake up this will have been a terrible, terrible dream, un." He walked upstairs and fell asleep.

* * *

_A few hours later..._

Deidara awoke to the sound of angry voices in the kitchen.

"Where's the coffee? I get cranky without my coffee and you don't want to see my cranky!"

"Itachi, you're always cranky."

"I can't survive without coffee! Coffee for me is like...water for fish!"

"I can't stay awake I'm so tired I think... I... might...Zzzzz..."

Deidara walked downstairs, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "What's up, un?"

"Deidara!" barked Kakuzu, "Did you have any coffee?"

"Huh?"

"There's no coffee left, " explained Kisame.

Deidara's eyes widened in horror. "It must have been Tobi! Did you check the storeroom?"

"We checked there. It's gone. Not a single bean left."

"What about the secret storeroom under the storeroom?"

"Oh, that's right," the Akatsuki sighed in relief.

"Tobi couldn't've gotten in there," said Leader, reaching for something in his cloak, "I'm the only one who has the k-" he pulled out a necklace chain. The key was missing.

Leader turned to Deidara slowly."I go insane without my coffee-"

"You mean more insane than usual?"

"-SHUT UP! - So unless you wish to suffer a most painful death involving five-day-old chili, a number two pencil, and an extremely wobbly chair, I suggest to get coffee and find Tobi so I can…'deal with him.' "

Prompted with Leader's threat but mainly by the idea of getting rid of Tobi once and for all, Deidara hurried off to find coffee and Tobi.

"Alright, now where to look first?" he pulled out a map, closed his eyes, and pointed randomly. He opened his eyes.

"Sunagakure it is, then."

* * *

"Hmm...I wonder if there's any coffee here?" Deidara wondered aloud as he flew on a clay bird above Hidden Sand.

"YOU!" shouted a voice. Deidara looked down, and narrowly missed being crushed by a large mound of sand. Below on the rooftops was the Kazekage, Gaara of the Desert.

"Hey, whatever happened to 'forgive and forget', un?" Deidara asked indignantly, narrowly avoiding another sand attack.

"You nearly destroyed Sunagakure, kidnapped me, removed my bijuu and killed me!"

"But you got brought back to life, so that doesn't count!"

"..."

"...So...does this village have any coffee?"

"No...an orange blur came through, and next thing I knew, all the coffee was gone."

_So he's been here to, un?_ thought Deidara"...By the way...can I have my arm back?"

"No."

"..."

"Now, SAND NINJA... ATTACK!" commanded Gaara. Nothing happened."Uh...Sand ninja? I said 'attack'!"

Gaara looked over; all the sand-nin had fallen asleep, due to lack of caffeine.

"Huh? Whuh?" muttered a slumbering jonin, "Eh...need...coffee...Zzz..."

Deidara left to look for Tobi someplace else as Gaara attempted to wake them.

* * *

"Now let me see...where would a caffeine addict go to drink expensive, mediocre coffee?" Deidara looked around.

"This...is going to be difficult."

In front on him were dozens of Starbucks.

"Wait...I know..." Deidara created several doppelgangers. "Alright, now we'll search everywhere. Move out!"

"Hey, since when do you give the orders?" asked a clone.

"I am the real one, after all."

"No you're not, I am!"

"Oh, not this again..."

* * *

_Meanwhile, inside a Starbucks..._

"Tobi would like a double mocha frappacino latte with extra sugar and a cup of coffee and a cup made of coffee and a chair made of coffee and a table made of coffee and a Tobi made of coffee and a coffee machine made of coffee and a restaurant made of coffee and a..."

Tobi continued on, naming a multitude of things he wanted made out of coffee. The squeaky-voiced teen cashier stood their dumbstruck. After Tobi finished ordering, the cashier spoke. "Uh...let me check with the manager, sir."

The teen went to the backroom, then came back to the front with the manager, Orochimaru.

But Tobi was gone.

No one could really explain what happened that moment. Patrons went to take a sip of their coffee, but a second before the caffeinated beverage reached their mouth, it disappeared. The coffee in the coffee pots vanished instantly, as did all the sugar packets at the little tables.

* * *

The Akatsuki lair, Sunagakure, and all the Starbucks in the land completely devoid of coffee, but managed to Deidara set up a trap with some instant coffee he found in his clay bag.

And since Tobi was running out of coffee, he found it instantly, despite being five miles away. Tobi stopped in his tracks, cocked his head, and ran off Roadrunner-style, 'Meep meep' and all.

Tobi spotted the cup of coffee and dove towards it, then fell into a hole that had been dug underneath it. Deidara walked over and looked down, grinning evilly.

* * *

Sometime later, Deidara, carrying an unconscious Tobi, returned to the Akatsuki lair.

"Guys! I got coffee! And I found Tobi…"

"That's great," said Leader.

"So aren't you going to deal with him?"

"What?"

"You know…make him take a 'dirt nap.' "

"Huh?"

"… give him a 'cement overcoat?'"

"..."

"He'll be ' Sleeping with the fishes?'"

"..."

"…Weren't you gonna kill him, un?"

"No, I just wanted to ask him where the coffee was," said Leader. He lifted a mug he had been drinking out of. "And besides– We're all drinking tea now!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...UN!!"

* * *

Deidara bolted up in bed and gave a bloodcurdling scream.

He looked around.

"Whew...just a dream...that was one freaking weird dream,un."

The door opened. Tobi entered, carrying a tray.

"Good morning, senpai! Tobi brought you coffee!"

Deidara fainted.


	10. Akatsuki RedClouds vs Konoha Rookie Nine

_A/N: Again, long update sorry! I have been very busy lately and I hit some roadblocks on this chapter. I wanted to add more, with other team members disrupting the game, but the chapter was already long enough as it is, and I did not want to delay the update any longer._

_I suppose this chapter doesn't focus on Tobi much, but more on the Akatsuki as a whole...consider it a Tenth-chapter special!_

_...Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who's read, reviewed, and/or favorite this story!!! It's my first to get 3,000+ hits!! Thank you!!!! Ten hilarious chapters, and there's more laughs to come!! _

_**Disclaimer**: FrescaPower doesn't own Naruto, Looney Tunes, or High School Musical, or anything else that may have been made reference to._

* * *

**Chapter 10: Akatsuki Red Clouds vs. Konoha Rookie Nine**

Pein had a problem.

He was a victim…

…Of pre-middle-aged hair loss.

No, not really.

This was a complete lie and, in fact, had nothing to do with this chapter.

* * *

Pein had a problem.

The Akatsuki were becoming divided. Akatsuki Friday Monopoly Night wasn't what it used to be. Everyone would bicker over who got to be the iron. Kakuzu would insist that those who landed on Boardwalk weren't paying him enough rent, Deidara would blow up the houses and hotels, and Konan would get so bored that she would fold the Monopoly money into lethal origami.

Yeah. He really needed to figure out something quickly.

So, he took up surfing the web for ideas.

"What's this flashing thing? 'You are the 999,999th visitor. Click here to claim your prize.' Interesting."

_Click! _Pein's computer was immediately overtaken by hordes of viruses and spam.

"Sigh...looks like I'll have to do this the old-fashioned way. ZETSU! I need 50 ideas on how to increase teamwork in the Akatsuki by tonight."

"What's the point? I'm such a minor character," said black-san.

"Oh, come on, we should be happy doing such a menial task!" said white-san cheerily, and with that the talking aloe vera walked off.

* * *

Pein called the Akatsuki for an emergency meeting.

"I've decided that the entire organization is going to take part in a friendly basketball game with another team." Pein took out a hat filled with little slips of paper. "This hat contains the names of teams we might play. The one I pick out will be the one we play." He rummaged around the hat and pulled out a paper.

"Alright, we're facing... the 'Looney Tunes'?! Who put this in here?!"

"...That was me..." grinned Kisame.

Pein rolled his eyes and pulled out another name.

" 'Wildcats.' "

Every Akatsuki member shuddered with fear.

Pein shredded the paper into little bits. "Hell. No."

Pein pulled out another name. "The NBA. What the heck is the 'NBA?' "

_Several names later..._

"And we are playing..." Pein rummaged around for the last name. "...Konoha."

"_Konoha_?" repeated the Akatsuki.

"How will their Hokage even agree to this?" asked Deidara.

"This is a fanfic," happily explained Pein, "Anything is possible!"

* * *

_Ring! Ring!_

Tsunade answered the phone in her office. "Hello, Godaime Hokage speaking."

"Hello, Tsunade. I have a proposition for you."

"Who is this?"

"Come on, you know who I am. Leader of an evil organization..."

"Orochimaru?"

"No, it's me, Pein!"

"Oh. We're still not giving you Naruto, in case you were wondering."

Pein muttered a _'Dammit_!' but continued on. "That's not exactly why I called. What would you say if your village played a friendly game of basketball?"

"Sure, why not? We're stuck in a filler arc anyway."

* * *

The Godaime Hokage Tsunade agreed to host a basketball game with the Akatsuki. The Konoha team would consist of Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Shino, Hinata, Kiba, Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji.

The day of the match arrived.

Pein approached the opposing team. "I know we're playing a friendly game of basketball, but what say we sweeten the deal?" Pein asked with a grin.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Tsunade.

"If you lose, we get the nine-tailed jinchuriki, but we'll give you the body back."

"Deal! And you can keep the body."

"Oi! Don't I get a say in this?" protested Naruto.

"No, because you're stupid," smirked Sai. Naruto fumed silently.

"Hang on, what do we get if you lose?" asked Sakura.

"Er...you'll get...um... this magic rock!" replied Pein, pulling a ordinary-looking rock out from his cloak.

"How do you know it's magic?"

"I don't. That's what makes it so magical."

* * *

"And now I'm going to assign positions," said Pein, reading off a piece of paper attatched to a clipboard, "...Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Konan, and Deidara - on the field."

"Aren't you playing, Leader-sama?" asked Itachi.

"Nope. I'm the manager. I don't have to do anything!" Suddenly, Pein felt an incessant tugging at his cloak sleeve.

"What does Tobi get to do?"

"Tobi," began Pein, "You get to be the most important player of all - the bench warmer."

Tobi cheered. "Do not worry, Pein-sama! Tobi will do his very best to keep the bench warm!" The masked ninja dashed off and sat contently on the bench.

Pein clapped his hands together. "And now that Tobi is out of the way, there is nothing stopping us from winning!"

* * *

_Thirty seconds into the game..._

"FOUL!" shouted Shiranui Genma, the game's referee.

Zetsu had just tried to eat Shikamaru, who had fallen asleep out of boredom. Team Konoha got a fouled shot, making the score 1-0.

_Thirty seconds later..._

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" cried Naruto as ten doppelgangers _poofed_! onto the field.

Genma's whistle sounded again. "Off the field! There's too many of you."

Naruto's doppelgangers sadly walked off the field.

Genma rolled his eyes. _Honestly, do these teams even _know_how to play basketball?_

_Forty fouls later..._

"That is IT! I quit!" Genma threw down his striped referee shirt and stormed off the field.

* * *

The score by then end of the first half was 41 – 41, a tie. Time was running out; neither team scored due to the fact that there were no more fouls, but mainly because both teams _really_ sucked at playing basketball.

It was at this point a certain foul-mouthed grim reaper decided to do something rather stupid. The second half had just begun and Hidan noticed that Sai from team Konoha had the ball. Everyone else was fighting one another, and since Genma had quit, there was no one to stop them committing fouls. Hidan noticed that Sai was just standing in the middle of the field, holding the basketball. Then, Hidan got an idea.

He walked up to Sai and pointed to him. "Hey, you remind me of the Pillsbury Doughboy."

Sai remained silent.

"Haha. Laugh, Pillsbury Doughboy."

Hidan extended a finger to poke Sai in the stomach. In a flash, Sai grabbed Hidan's wrist, breaking it. Sai then threw the ball into the air and tossed Hidan over his shoulder.

It was over in about three seconds. Sai smirked, caught the basketball, and scored.

42-41. Konoha was in the lead.

Hidan was led away on a stretcher. Kakuzu, who was retiring to the bench, looked at him and sighed."Idiot," he muttered.

The half-thread ninja went to sit down on the bench. However, Tobi was taking his benchwarming job very seriously - so seriously that he placed an electric blanket over the bench, put a space heater near the bench, took a hair dryer to heat the bench, and even started a fire underneath the bench.

So, when Kakuzu sat down, his reaction went something like this...

"OW! MY ASS!"

Needless to say, Kakuzu was lead away on a stretcher.

* * *

There was only one minute left. "Kakuzu is out, and so is Hidan…" Pein scanned the bench, "Looks like we have to put in…" his face fell when he spotted the only player on the bench. "Oh."

"YAY! TOBI GETS TO PLAY!"

"Oh, joy," muttered Pein unenthusiastically.

* * *

There were thirty seconds left in the game.

Kisame had the ball, but was completely surrounded by the leaf ninja.

Twenty seconds.

In a desperate attempt, he threw the ball randomly. Tobi caught it.

The masked ninja ran towards the basket while being chased by half the Konoha team. Naruto tried to grab it out of his hands, but Tobi was unstoppable.

Ten seconds.

Tobi jumped into the air and sailed towards the basket, hands poised to dunk the ball.

Everything went into slow motion. The _Chariots of Fire _theme played. Tobi hung suspended in midair, arms outstretched. The crowd slowly opened their mouths agape with astonishment. Choji slowly, slowly munched on potato chips, his mouth also agape, but with half-chewed food in it.

(Ew.)

Time resumed normal speed and several things happened at once.

Tobi went to dunk the basketball…

And...

**...KA-WHAM!**

Tobi crashed into the backboard. The ball fell out of his hands and bounced away. The timer sounded and the game was over. The entire Akatsuki team did an enormous anime face-fault, while Konoha's supporters cheered and did the wave.

"We won! Now give us the magic rock!" demanded Naruto, who was relieved his team had won.

"Uh...it...disappeared," Pein said suspiciously, quickly hiding something behind his cloak. "It was...er... transported to a different dimension."

Team Konoha rounded on Kakashi.

* * *

Coming up in Chapter Eleven: A _Tobi Tales_Christmas special! Itachi is feeling angsty and depressed. When all hope seems lost, Tobi - who is trying to earn his Akatsuki cloak - appears to show him what life would be like if Itachi had never been born. That's right - it's a _Tobi Tales_ version of _It's a Wonderful Life_!


	11. It's a Tobi full life

_A/N: I've been on a long hiatus, but I'm back! Sorry, sorry, 1,000 times sorry for not getting this out during Christmastime! I suppose it could be considered a "Christmas in July" special...hmmm...But anyway I have been busy for the past several months and have been completely uninspired to write anything, but now I'm back~! So please, after a much needed break, enjoy the latest chapter of Tobi Tales, It's a Tobi-full Life! _

_Wow...I think this is the longest Tobi Tales chapter yet...well, I did have nearly 7 months to write it..._

_Also, I'm going to revise some of the previous chapters, to fix grammar and spelling mistakes, etc. I haven't decided what the next chapter of this story will be yet. It'll just have to be a surprise!  
_

_For more ninja Christmas-related humor please check out my other holiday-related Naruto fic, _**Kristmas in Konoha**_._

Please enjoy Tobi Tales chapter 11, It's a Tobi-full Life

_This story takes place before Sasori died and before Tobi officially joined Akatsuki._

_**Disclaimer**__: NARUTO belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and _It's a Wonderful Life_ was directed by Frank Capra; the company is Liberty Films. This story was written by me! Without further ado, here's the chapter.

* * *

_

**Chapter 11: Tobi Tales "Christmas in July" Special! It's A Tobi-full Life**

Itachi woke up one Christmas Eve morning with a resolution. "Being grouchy all the time really sucks. I mean, look at where it's got me! From now on, I'm going to be a whole new person and turn over a new leaf!"

Itachi walked downstairs for breakfast. Deidara was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Merry Christmas Eve! Good morning, Deidara."

"Get the hell away from me you damn Uchiha," grumbled Deidara. The artist took his cereal and walked away.

Itachi's face fell, but he quickly brightened up when a new idea came to him. "I'll make breakfast for everyone!" Itachi gathered breakfast ingredients, pots and pans and proceeded to cook a gourmet breakfast.

* * *

_Two hours later..._

Itachi trudged up the stairs to wake everyone. It was almost noon and no one had come downstairs.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

"Konan, wake up! It's almost noon and I made breakfast for every-"

Itachi never finished his sentence, for at that moment he ducked to avoid being beheaded by an origami axe.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU PERVERT!" she shrieked, throwing additional lethal origami weapons.

Itachi quickly scurried away like a frightened weasel. He continued on to Sasori's room.

"Wake up, Sasori! I made breakfast!"

"I'm a puppet, dumbass," grumbled the sand-nin, "I don't eat. And I don't sleep, either. Now go away before I turn you into a puppet, just like this guy."

Sasori held up a gruesome, half-finished puppet. Itachi ran away.

The Uchiha's attempts to wake the rest of the Akatsuki failed miserably, except for one.

"#ing awesome! Breakfast!" exclaimed and excessively swore Hidan. He began stuffing his face until he consumed a glass of milk. He gagged and coughed. "Agh! Cow's milk?! I'm #ing lactose intolerant, you #ing #er!" even more excessively swore the foul-mouthed grim reaper. He stormed away, continuing to shout edited profanities.

Itachi sighed. "I suppose I could go into town and help out those less fortunate than I am..."

* * *

_Sometime later..._

Itachi found himself outside of a homeless shelter. "I can help people here," he said, and walked in.

"Hi, can I help with-"

"Hey, back of the line, jerk!" said a man.

"No, I'm just here to-"

Suddenly, a rich billionaire-type of man walked in. "Hey, everyone! I'm a rich billionaire-type of man, and, for plot convenience, I've decided to give you all lakeside condos!" declared the man. His eyes were drawn to Itachi, "Except that shifty guy in the corner. Look at him with those eye color-changing contacts, and those manicured nails, and that fancy dress!"

"It's a CLOAK!" protested the weasel.

"Whatever. You're not wanted here. Get out!"

Itachi sighed and walked out. He took a last glance in and saw the billionaire throwing money into the air for the homeless.

Itachi sulked. "No matter how hard I try to do good deeds, it blows up in my face, just like everything else I've loved!"

_"Wow. I got a puppy for Christmas! I'm gonna love him, and hug him, and call him Mr. Cuddles."_

**KA-BOOM!**

_"Wahhh!"_

_A few years later_....

_"Don't worry; I'll help with the family reunion!"_

_Itachi's father shook his head. "No, Itachi, I don't think that's a good-"_

_"Nonsense, father! I love everyone in our clan. Every. Last. Damn. One. Except Sasuke. He's kind of annoying. "_

_That night..._

_"Why, Itachi?! Why, nii-san?!" sobbed Sasuke._

_"B-but I-I was just trying to help!"

* * *

_

Itachi found himself at Tenchi Bridge.

"Every time I try to help someone, it makes everything worse! I should just end it all now!"

Suddenly, there was loud "Nooooooooooo!" and an orange-masked ninja shot down out of the heavens (Ok, no, it was really just out of a tree). He appeared to be aiming for Itachi but missed. He went flying, and then disappeared.

Itachi, taking this to be a figment of his imagination, shook his head and proceeded with his plan.

For a second time, the masked ninja shouted "Noooooo!" but Itachi was expecting it this time. His eyes changed from normal sharingan to the next level. "MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!"

The ninja stopped and comically collapsed anime-style.

Assuming that he had rid himself of the pest, Itachi walked back to the bridge, but was having second thoughts. "Hmm...it looks kind of far down... and isn't the canal drained during the winter? Come to think of it....no, I'm not going through with this."

Itachi turned to walk away, but for a third time the masked ninja ran at him and shouted "Noooo!"

The masked ninja - Tobi - hit Itachi, and accidentally sent the weasel flying off the bridge.

"AAAHHHHHHH!!"

_**THUD!**_

Tobi peeked over the edge.

"Oops."

* * *

"Tobi jumped to save Itachi-sama."

"Well that didn't work out very well, did it?" grumbled Itachi, nursing a large lump on his head.

"Tobi is sorry. Tobi did not know that the canal was drained for the winter."

"Who the heck are you, anyway?"

"Tobi is your guardian ninja, AS2."

"AS2?"

"Akatsuki Second Class."

"If you're Akatsuki, then where's your cloak?"

"Tobi hasn't earned his cloak yet."

"Yeah...right...that bridge is starting to look real appealing again..."

"Itachi-sama, why do you say that?"

"Because, everyone would be better off without me! Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born!"

"Itachi-sama mustn't say things like that!"

"I wish I'd never been born!!!"

Tobi chucked a snowball at him.

Itachi wiped the snow out of his eyes. "What was that for?"

"Itachi-sama has his wish. You have never been born."

"What are you talking abou- what - hey, my eyes are better! I knew those medications would pay off!"

"Itachi-sama's eyesight is better because you haven't been born."

"Look, just because my eyesight is better doesn't prove anything!"

"Really? Then look at your wallet."

"Um...I don't _own_ a wallet."

"Then what is this?" Tobi held up a wallet.

"What? That's not my wallet!"

"Then why is Itachi-sama's driver's license in it?"

"Huh?"

Before Itachi could respond, the wallet _poofed_! away in a puff of smoke. "Ugh...this is just too weird. I'm going back to the Akatsuki lair."

* * *

The ninjas were almost to the hideout when Itachi stopped in his tracks. Despite his distance from it, Itachi saw bright lights emanating from the cave.

"WHAT?! It's turned into a _nightclub_? When did that happen?!"

"No Itachi-sama, there never was an Akatsuki lair."

"You're not making any sense," said Itachi as he continued walking towards the club. "At least I can get a drink here and sort out what's been happening."

They entered the club and sat at a table right next to a stage. Soon, a waiter arrived to take their orders.

"Tobi would like a strawberry float with a cherry on top."

The waiter quickly hid a laugh with a sudden fit of coughing. He turned to Itachi, "And for you, sir?"

"Get me something strong. I need to forget what's happened."

"Ah, the chef's special. Excellent choice," the waiter pulled out a piece of paper, "But please sign this waiver." The waiter walked away to get their drinks.

Itachi went to take something out of his pockets. "I guess I don't need my eye medications anymore - hey, where'd they go?"

"Tobi told Itachi-sama that you don't exist."

"Eh, I probably just dropped them. But seriously, who are y-"

At that moment, Itachi heard a familiar voice.

"For the last time, I'm a DUDE!"

"Shut up! Get out there and dance!"

Onto the stage walked a blond.

It was Deidara.

Itachi's eyes widened in shock and amusement. "Deidara, what are you doing here?"

"Do I know you?"

"Hello! I'm Itachi! Don't you remember? You hate me!"

"Hmm...nope."

"BOO! DANCE!" shouted a customer in the audience; another chucked a can at him.

"Ow!" cried the blond, rubbing his head.

Deidara continued to be booed off stage. Tobi tugged at Itachi's sleeve. "Come, we must leave."

"Why? We just got here."

"Because Tobi did not bring any money to pay for the drinks. Run, Itachi-sama!"

* * *

"I need to talk to Kisame," stated Itachi after he and Tobi ran out of the club.

"Follow Tobi..."

The ninjas walked down a street lined with restaurants.

"Where is he?" asked the Uchiha. Tobi pointed to a sushi bar.

A sign in the window read: 'Today's Special: Shark Sushi.'

Itachi ran to the window, mourning over the sushi pieces. "No! Kisame! Why?! You were slightly less lame than everyone else!"

Itachi continued to mourn the sushi.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" inquired a familiar voice.

Itachi stopped sobbing and spun around. "Kisame! You're not dead! I need your help; I've been having one crazy night – wait, why are you working at a sushi bar?"

"Do I…know you?"

"Not you too!"

"Hey, fish boy," said the sushi bar owner, "Get back inside the tank and entertain our customers."

"Yes sir," glumly replied Kisame. He donned a Koi costume and climbed into a giant fish tank. "Glub, glub, glub, glub," he feebly spoke as he unenthusiastically flapped his hands like fins.

* * *

Itachi and Tobi walked out.

"Man, everyone's gone crazy! What's up with –"

A bus drove by with an advertisement portraying Hidan, who was now a famous heavy metal singer.

"What the-?"

"Yes," replied Tobi, "Hidan is a very famous singer now. Kakuzu is his manager, financial advisor, and the richest man in the world."

"Now that I think about it, that's not too surprising," said Itachi, "But what about everyone else?"

"Without you as a member, the Akatsuki never existed."

"That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't it make more sense in this plot for Pain to never have existed?"

Tobi chucked another snowball at Itachi.

SPLAT!

"What was that for?!" yelled Itachi, wiping snow out of his face.

"Itachi-sama must stop breaking the fourth wall."

* * *

Something had been bothering Itachi. "Tobi...Where's my little brother? Where's Sasuke?"

"Tobi cannot show you."

Itachi's eyes narrowed and he grabbed Tobi by the collar. "Why?!"

"Because Tobi does not know the way to Konoha!"

Itachi sighed exasperatedly. "Just follow me." He started running as fast as he could to Konoha.

"Wait, Itachi-sama! Tobi has shorter legs than you! Tobi cannot keep up! Wait for Tobi!"

* * *

Itachi arrived at the gates of Konoha. "Alright…I'm finally here…" he looked behind him. "It looks like I lost Tobi too…" Itachi gave a grin of satisfaction and turned back to the gates.

"Hi, Itachi-sama!" The masked ninja popped right in front of Itachi's face. The Uchiha gave a startled yell and fell over.

"Dammit…" muttered the weasel, getting up from the ground, "I thought I got rid of you…"

"Nope. Itachi-sama won't be rid of Tobi for a looooong time." Tobi gave what Itachi could have sworn to be an evil chuckle.

The Uchiha turned back to the gates and took a step inside when he noticed that the gates of Konoha were emblazoned with the Uchiha crest. He had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

Itachi hadn't walked more than a block when he was arrested by a group of dark-haired men wearing vests with the Uchiha crest.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

"You're under arrest for impersonating an Uchiha."

"But I AM an Uchiha!" protested Itachi.

The men clearly did not believe him; they Itachi restrained and lead him to what used to be the Hokage's office. It now resembled a palace. Itachi looked around at the rest of the village, surprised by how different it looked. Suddenly, he was shocked to see a familiar face residing on Hokage Rock. Its former faces had undoubtedly been destroyed and now a new face dominated the cliff:

Sasuke's.

* * *

_Inside the Palace…_

Uchiha Sasuke sat on a throne, surrounded by servants, advisors, and random people to boss around. Sasuke turned to a man who was in charge of writing laws. "New decree!" declared the Uchiha, "Everyone shall now address me as 'Sasuke-sama of Sexiness' or 'Your Sexiness' for short!"

"Yes, Sasuke-sama!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"

"Er…yes, Your Sexiness!"

Suddenly, the police arrived, dragging Itachi along with them. "Sasuke-sa – "

The man shook his head and walked over the police, handing him the new decree. The policemen read it.

"Er, Sasuke-sama of Sexiness, this man has been arrested for impersonating an Uchiha. What shall his punishment be?"

Sasuke, who was examining his nails, glanced at Itachi, looked back at his nails, and responded lazily, "Throw him in the biju pit."

"The biju pit?!" squeaked Itachi in a frightened, high-pitched voice.

The police lead Itachi away. Itachi struggled against them, and turned back to face Sasuke.

"Wait! Sasuke, don't you recognize me?"

"Hmm…well, you do sort of resemble an older, more feminine version of myself."

An anger mark appeared on Itachi's head. "It's me! Uchiha Itachi! Your beloved older brother! Well…maybe not beloved…I kind of killed our whole clan and left you alive to avenge them by killing me…

"By the way, why haven't you gone all 'revenge mode' now?"

Sasuke did not hear a word of Itachi's explanation, too preoccupied with looking at himself in a hand mirror. "Wow, I'm gorgeous," he muttered, then put the mirror down and examined his hands again."Servants! Get in here! My nails need filing and my cuticles need cream!"

A group of shrieking girls, including Sakura and Ino, entered the room crying, "Kyaaaa! Sasuke-kun!!!"

Itachi sighed. "Some things never change…"

Tobi appeared out of thin air again, shouting, "Hi Itachi-sama!"

"Where did you come from?"

"Tobi is a magician!" he pulled a black silk top hat from his cloak. "See?" he pulled a rabbit out of the hat, which hopped twice then keeled over, not moving.

Itachi stared blankly at the rabbit, and then turned back to Tobi. "Can you explain to me what's going on?"

"Without you to kill the clan, the Uchihas' coup was successful. They took over Konoha, renamed it Uchiwagakure, 'The Village hidden in the Fan', and when your parents died of food poisoning, Sasuke became the head of the village."

"Food poisoning? They were murdered?"

"No, they liked blowfish a little too much. Now don't interrupt Tobi.

"Sasuke has complete control over the village, and over the past few years has obtained all the biju. As you can see, he's obsessed with his looks and has servants waiting on him hand and foot."

"No!" cried Itachi, "Sasuke's become a complete wuss! I'd rather see him revenge-crazed any day than wimpy, albeit living a happy life! I have to stop this! I want to live again!"

Tobi chucked a snowball at Itachi.

* * *

Itachi bolted upright in his hospital bed, a snow-like substance spilled down his front.

"Aw, a dropped my snow cone," grumbled a familiar voice.

Itachi looked up. Kisame, sitting next to Itachi, was staring forlornly at the snow cone he'd dropped.

"Kisame!" cried Itachi, "You're not working at a sushi shop!"

Kisame gave him a quizzical look.

Itachi looked around. He was in a hospital room, surrounded by fellow Akatsuki members Pain, Hidan, Sasori, Deidara, Kakuzu and Zetsu.

"Where's Tobi?" asked the Uchiha

"Who's Tobi, Itachi?"

"He's the one that showed me the meaning of my life!"

"Itachi, you've been unconscious for three days. You fell off Tenchi bridge."

"Then…then it was all a dream? It felt so real… you were in it," he pointed to Kisame, "and you were in it," he pointed to Deidara, "and you were in it," he pointed to Hidan, "and that invisible guy in the corner was in it!" He pointed to an empty corner. The Akatsuki members exchanged glances.

"Was I in it?" asked Pain.

"No, you weren't in it," replied Itachi. Pain looked disgruntled.

Itachi continued speaking, "But Tobi – I could have sworn he was re – "

Itachi glanced out the window. Outside in the falling snow, Tobi was leaning a tree. A magical shimmer appeared around the masked ninja, and suddenly he was wearing an Akatsuki cloak.

Then a large amount of snow fell on him.

Pain, trying to gain attention, said, "Hey guys, what do you get when you cross the nine-tailed jinchuriki and me?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"The end of the world!" smiled Pain.

There was an awkward silence.

Pain's face fell. "It's supposed to be a joke," he said threateningly.

Everyone laughed uneasily. "Look, Hidan!" said Kisame, "Every time leader-sama tells a joke, an Akatsuki member gets his cloak."

"You #ing made that # up you ## #er!" Excessively swore Hidan.

"Yeah," smiled Kisame, "I did."

"That's right, Kisame, that's right!" said Itachi. "This experience has changed me – I'm going to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!" and with that, Itachi jumped out of bed and ran out of the room. Then he ran back in and grabbed his cloak, because he realized that he was only wearing a hospital gown.

* * *

"Merry Christmas, Konohagakure!"

"REVENGE!!" insanely yelled Sasuke, charging at Itachi with a Chidori.

"RASENGAN!!" shouted Naruto at the same time, also aiming for Itachi.

"Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad!" shouted Itachi, running past the graves of his murdered parents.

"Go to hell," replied the ghosts of his mother and father.

"Merry Christmas, Orochimaru!"

"Oh, you know what would make it even MERRIER, Itachi-kun…" said Orochimaru suggestively.

Itachi gave a shriek and ran away.

"Merry Christmas, Akatsuki Hideou- "Itachi stopped in his tracks "What the hell? Why's it still a nightclub?!" he asked Pain.

"Eh, Kakuzu's not making enough from bounties. We needed another source of income."


	12. Tobi and the Death Note

_A/N: In the nearly two years I haven't updated any of my stories, I've become more world-weary in the realm of fan fiction and fandoms in general, and when I look back at some of my old work I can't help but facepalm. But now, at least, I think my readers deserve an update. In other news, I've come to realize the stories gradually became less about Tobi and more Akatsuki!crack in general. Hell, you could probably replace them with any characters and it would be funny. [Granted, if anyone does, you will be hunted down by a team of highly-trained mutant zombie mosquitoes wielding rusty sporks]. All that aside, please enjoy these wacky, pure unadulterated crack!stories.

* * *

_

**Chapter 12-disguised-as-13: Tobi and the Death Note**

_One day, while walking around the NINJA world of NINJAS..._

"Oooo! Tobi found a notebook! Tobi's gonna write all his friends' names in it and their birthdays so Tobi never forgets!"

Some time later, Tobi returned to the Akatsuki hideout. There was a large commotion going on inside.

"Oh my god, Kisame and Itachi are dead!" screamed Konan.

Suddenly, Pain noticed the black book in Tobi's hands.

"Tobi, what's that?"

"It's Tobi's super notebook!"

"You didn't happen to write our names in it, did you?

"Of course! Tobi wants to keep track of all his friends, and their birthdays, and their phone numbers-"

"TOBI, THAT'S A DEATH NOTE!" yelled the Akatsuki members.

"But wait...why aren't we dead yet?" pondered Kakuzu.

"Hang on," said Deidara, "Only Kisame and the Uchiha died...maybe...you need a last name? Yeah, that's got to be it! Ha, thank you lazy writing!"

"What a f***ing idiot," grumbled Hidan, "Good thing I never told anyone my full name is Hidan van Der Knicklefuzzer-Strudelmeister."

"Ooo, Tobi can update his notebook! He'll just write Hidan-san's name down..."

"Oh f-"

* * *

_Next: _Shakespearean Tobi _or_ Ninjas of the Caribbean


	13. Ninja Wars

_A/N: Another short one and random-as-hell update._

**Chapter 13: Ninja Wars**

"Deidara-senpai!" shouted Tobi, running up to the earth ninja. "Tobi needs your help. Tobi needs a friend to go Star Wars LARPing with!" He held up an assortment of Star Wars costumes and memorabilia.

"No way in hell!"

"Please? Deidara-senpai can be Han Solo!"

"Hmmm...well, if I'm Han Solo, I guess that would also make me Indiana Jones."

"NO! TOBI IS INDIANA JONES! Deidara can be Lara Croft!"


End file.
